Some time ago our youth group took a mission trip to help a newly planted church with a Vacation Bible School program, and in order to haul all of our equipment we needed to be able to tow a trailer behind the church van. However, the van was not equipped with a hitch. So, we got some quotes on what it would cost to install one, and long story short, our precious church van, after being single for 16 years, finally got hitched! Now that’s funny because it’s ridiculous…but what is not funny at all is the fact that in our world today marriage is being reduced to something that is really that absurd. Today, we are facing the reality of legislation having been passed which requires the legal recognition of so-called “same-sex marriage.” With the constant push to erase any sort of distinction between the sexes, we now hear reports of people wanting to marry their pets, trees, and even buildings. This is how ridiculous our culture is becoming. But we shouldn’t think that it is only within the past few years that marriage has been under assault. While virtually all cultures have always had some sort of formal recognition of marriage (which serves as a testament to its divine origin), there have always been aberrations of it. In ancient times it was the practice of polygamy (a man having multiple wives). This is what many of the kings of Israel and Judah were known for; including the good ones like David and Solomon. Throughout the centuries cultures have practiced not only polygamy, but polyandry (a woman having multiple husbands). Adultery, fornication, incest, pedophilia, abortion, and other immoralities have always been factors warring against marriage. The stability of this institution which we enjoyed in our country several decades ago was generated by our Judeo-Christian heritage which upheld the institution of marriage and looked down on divorce. But what was known as the ‘new morality,’ which reduced the Christian ethic to so-called “love,” meaning that it does not really matter what you believe or do as long as you follow the golden rule of loving your neighbor as yourself, began to bear its ugly fruit with the sexual revolution of the 1960’s. The baby boomer generation began to rebel against the morality of their parents’ generation, embracing with full force this ‘new morality,’ and thus fornication became rampant, adultery became not only acceptable, but encouraged, and by 1970, the state of California became the first to sign into law the “no-fault divorce,” meaning that a person could file for a divorce without declaring any wrongdoing by the other spouse. When you look at the state of marriage today, from a merely human perspective it seems likely that within the next decade or two marriage may be a thing of the past, or at least something that has been so radically redefined that we may as well not even call it marriage any longer. Nevertheless, regardless of what our culture or country does, marriage will not cease to exist until God says it does because marriage belongs to God, not man. You see, man did not create marriage; God did. It was a gift to man from God and a means by which God intends to fulfill His purpose for all creation. We see this clearly all the way back in the second chapter of Genesis.

In our study of relationships we have gone back to the beginning, and we have seen that man was created in the image of God, and therefore is a relational being because God, by His very triune nature is relational. We have noted that man was created for a relationship first and foremost with God, but that he was also created for a relationship with others. This is the very reason God created woman out of man–to be a companion and helper for him. What we’re interested in now is the relationship of marriage: the ultimate relationship. By this designation, we mean that marriage is the one relationship in the world that is the most unique and intimate possible among mankind. The ultimate relationship of any person is of course with God, but next to this is that of marriage. With this in mind, let’s take a look at how Scripture defines marriage.

Marriage is a Divine Institution. By “divine” we mean that God is the One who instituted marriage, not man. We’ve already mentioned this, but it’s important that we see it in the text of Scripture. Genesis 2:24 states:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Our Lord Jesus Christ affirmed this when He stated in Matthew 19:4–6:

…He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Marriage may be recognized or conducted differently by different societies, but it is God, not man, who gets to define it, for it is His institution. This is very important because we need to be clear about government’s role in marriage. Romans 13:1–7 states that the government is established by God and that governing authorities are the servants of God, and therefore we understand that government is part of God’s common grace to uphold justice and order in society. If this is the case, not only does the government lack the right or authority to redefine an institution established by God, but when it endeavors to do so, it is actually abandoning the very purpose for which it exists since the family which is built upon marriage is the basic building block and source of stability of all societies. So when the government calls us to recognize so-called “same sex marriage,” we as Christians must respectfully reject that notion (Acts 5:29).

Marriage is a Union between One Man and One Woman. Last time we saw from Genesis 2:18 that God declared it was “not good for man to be alone.” God’s solution to this was to make Adam a helper who was “suitable” or “fit” for him–perfectly corresponding to him. But what is wonderful is that this perfect companion was not exactly like him; she was female. She was formed from Adam while he slept, and when she was presented to him he declared, “This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man” (v. 23). Then in verse 24, Moses, the writer of Genesis, follows up Adam’s declaration with a statement which is the basis of marriage. This verse begins with the word “Therefore,” which points the reader back to what came before. What Moses is saying is this: On the basis of the fact that God created woman out of man for the purpose of being his suitable companion and helper, it is God’s design that a man and woman be joined together in the “one flesh” union of marriage.

Many understand “one flesh” to be speaking merely of the sexual union which is a part of marriage, typically including children who may come as a result of the union. But while the sexual union is certainly a part of this, and resulting children is one of the purposes of marriage, “one flesh” goes far beyond this. In the previous post we noted God could have simply spoken the woman into existence like He did much of the created universe, but instead He fashioned her out of the man’s rib. This was by design, in order to show the close connection between the man and the woman which is brought out by Adam’s declaration of “bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh.” The “one flesh” union in marriage is, what some have called, the reuniting of two into one. This union is one of mind, body, and spirit, bringing a married couple together in such a way that two people really become one together in a relationship more intimate than any other possible. Marriage is about companionship, but not mere companionship. It is a corresponding, complementing companionship; one in which the man is completed perfectly by the woman. This is the reason same-sex “marriage” is not marriage at all, because two people of the same sex can never complete and complement each other the way God designed. This is extremely important o understand not only on a theological level, but a practical one, because when married people say that their spouse is their “best friend” they should not be trying to be cute or sappy: this is the way it should be by the very design of God! Too often the careful fostering of practical oneness in marriage is hijacked by husbands choosing to “hang out with the guys” too much or wives having too many “girls’ nights out.” Friends of the same sex are very important, and those relationships should be fostered, but if you are married, your closest friend should be your spouse.

Marriage is the Establishment of a Family. We’ve been mentioning this all along, but again, we need to establish it in the text. We notice again in verse 24 that the man leaves his father and mother and “holds fast to” or “cleaves” to is wife; and they become “one flesh.” The word “leave” really has the idea of “forsaking.” This does not mean that a man has to reject his parents and never see them again in order to get married, but that he makes a clean break with them. In other words, he cuts ties with them to start his own family; he leaves their authority and becomes the head of his own household. It seems that this is the same for the woman, but the man’s role is more active than hers because she leaves the authority of her parents to come under submission to her new head, who is her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). We notice further that the man not only leaves, or forsakes his father and mother, but he “holds fast” to, or “cleaves” to his wife. “Cleaving” means to “cling to.” It speaks of loyalty and affection, and is really a covenant concept. What this means, then, is that the husband pledges himself to his wife and becomes responsible to love her exclusively. Again, the woman likewise leaves her parents and pledges herself to the man in exclusive loyalty and affection. As we noted above, the “one-flesh” concept relates this idea of loyalty and affection not only with the sexual union, but with the couples’ mind and souls, united as one. Many have rightly called marriage a “leaving, cleaving, and weaving” of two lives together.

Marriage is a Life-long Covenant. As we noted, “cleave” is a covenant term. It was used by Moses to describe Israel’s covenant relationship with Yahweh (Deut. 4:4; 10:20). A covenant is a promise, a pledge of one’s loyalty to another; and the pledge in Genesis 2:24 is no less than this. It is the promise of one man to one woman and one woman to one man for life. This is why couples say vows to each other at their wedding ceremony, and this is why traditional vows say something like:

“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you.”

I’m fine with the new fad of couples making their own vows to one another–as long as they say pretty much the same thing as this! These vows should be said publicly before witnesses and should be celebrated as has been traditionally done here in our country because they are sacred. You can see why God says, “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16 NASB), and why our Lord Jesus said, “what God has joined together let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6). We must remember that God allows divorce only when one spouse has been repeatedly and unrepentantly unfaithful or when an unbelieving spouse chooses to abandon his or her believing partner (Matt. 19:9;  1 Cor. 7:15). As some have said, while “divorce is not always sinful, it is always the result of sin.”

Marriage belongs to God. It may be and should be recognized by man, but it may not be redefined or discarded by men at their whim and wish. It is the ultimate human relationship because it is the most intimate and unique relationship possible among mankind, and because it is such, it is the ultimate illustration of Christ’s relationship to His bride, the church. We’ll talk more about that glorious truth in the following post.

In the last post we began our series on relationships by backing way up and looking at the theological foundation of all relationships: that we are relational beings because we are made in the image of God, who Himself, by His very nature as the triune God, is relational. We noted that the fact that we are male and female reveals to us the diversity within the unity of the triune God. We ended by noting that God does not need us in order to be fulfilled; He does not need a relationship with us in order to be a relational God because He has perfect fellowship within the three Persons of His triune being…and yet He chose to create us, and He created us in His own image.

This is the second theological pillar that must undergird our thinking on relationships: the wonderful truth that God, out of no necessity, created us in order to have a relationship with us. In Genesis 1:26–28 we read that

…God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

From this passage we note that it was the willful decision of the triune God to make man in His own image and likeness. A central part of this image is certainly the relational aspect of man. But this relational aspect of man was not meant only to display God’s glorious nature, the creation of man was for the purpose of relationship. We see this personal relationship take shape in Genesis 2, which is an elaboration on the creation of man in day six. While the first chapter of Genesis is like a full panoramic view of the creation; chapter 2 is more of a telescopic zooming in on the most important part of the picture. We know this because of the tolodot (Heb. תּוֹלְדֹ֣ת) literary marker in Gen. 2:4 (“this is the account” or literally, “these are the generations”). This marker is used to introduce the major divisions of this entire book (cf. Gen. 5:1; 6:9; 10:1; 10:32; 11:10; 11:27; 25:12; 25:19; 36:1; 37:2). Each one of these tolodots marks the outlining of the development of mankind and the various tribes of men, focusing especially on the line of Israel. So what we have in Genesis 2 is the first of these tolodot markers which sketches the beginning of all mankind. In Gen. 2:15–17 we see in this passage some very critical aspects which help to define our understanding of relationships:

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

First of all, we see that God communicated with man. Communication is basic to any relationship; if two people cannot communicate, it is very difficult for them to have a relationship! Secondly, we see that there were roles in the relationship. God made it clear to Adam that He was the Creator; Adam, was the created, and therefore Adam was to serve God. God gave the commands which Adam was to obey, and Adam would find delight in obedience to God. This brings us to a third aspect of this relationship: trust. Trust is the basic, foundational aspect of any good relationship; without trust a relationship falls apart. Trust is a like a boundary marker for a relationship. It’s like the lines on a basketball court or a baseball field which alert us to what is out of bounds and will cause damage or potentially even destroy the relationship if we cross those lines. Different relationships have different trust markers which define them. The trust marker of Adam’s relationship to God was made explicitly clear: it was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That tree was the boundary of trust. Many believe that the tree was a marker for a probationary test of obedience, and if Adam and Eve had just obeyed long enough they would have been confirmed in righteousness and eventually would have not been able to sin any longer. But I don’t see any reason for this kind of speculation. God merely warned Adam that if He did eat of the tree he would surely die. If we understand the tree as a test, it was a test of relationship.

In Genesis 3:8 it appears that God had regular, personal fellowship with man in the Garden. And apparently this fellowship would have carried on to Adam and Eve’s children and their descendants because God had given him the command to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” Yet we see that this perfect fellowship was broken when Adam and Eve listened to the serpent and violated the boundary of trust. Adam was dependent upon God and obligated to Him; this was his nature and his role in relationship to God. And yet he chose to rebel against this nature and this role and to make himself his own god. As a consequence of this, man died. Adam and Eve began to die physically at that point, but far worse, they immediately died spiritually as they were cast out of the Garden and out of the presence of God. In that instant, sin infected all mankind, as Romans 5:12 tells us: “…through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.”

But in the midst of Genesis 3, we find the first indication that God had a plan for rescuing man from the consequences of the Fall. In fact, the rest of the Bible is the story of God’s redemption of man. We see, then, that although the Fall broke man’s relationship with God, the recreation of man was for the purpose of relationship. Augustine’s famous line rings true for all men: “You have made us for Yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you.” God, who is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Ex. 34:6) immediately made this possible, as we see in Genesis 3:15. God announced the consequences of sin first upon the serpent, whom He told, “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” This is what theologians call the protoeuangelion, or the “first Gospel.” This was the promise of a Redeemer who would one day come to crush Satan and defeat sin and death and hell forever.

From here on out, God begins to deal with man in a gracious manner, calling a people to Himself through whom would come the Messiah, the Savior, who would reconcile men back to Him. As we mentioned, the tolodots of Genesis map out this choosing of a people, and God continues on throughout Scripture to tenaciously pursue a relationship with mankind despite their sinfulness. He makes covenants with them, he issues promises to them, and He acts for them. He gives them His law in order to show them their sinfulness and alert them to their need for a Savior. And ultimately, He sends that Savior who, as the “last Adam,” (1 Cor. 15:22, 45) was perfectly obedient, always doing what the Father commanded, perfectly fulfilling His role as the God-man. Through the new birth which we receive when we believe in Christ, we receive eternal life, the definition of which was given by our Lord Jesus Christ: “This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent” (John 17:3). Eternal life is to know God, to have a restored relationship with Him. It is to no longer be His enemy (Rom. 5:10), but to be His friend (John 15:13-14). This new birth gives us entrance into the family of God (John 1:12) and introduces us into the transformational process of becoming more like Christ (Col. 3:9-10). All of this is summed up in 2 Corinthians 5:17-19:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

What wonderful news it is to know that God is committed to a relationship with us and that by heeding His call for us to turn away from our own way and to turn to Him through Christ we gain eternal life, the essence of which is a relationship with the living God. This is what we were created for!

When approaching certain subjects in student ministries, we have the tendency to jump to the practical–the stuff that we can grab a hold of. The subject of relationships is definitely one of these. Let’s be honest: the minute students hear the word ‘relationship’ every ear in the room suddenly perks up. Everybody immediately thinks of ‘dating’–and they immediately get excited about receiving answers as to how they can venture into these mysterious waters with God’s sanctified blessing. Those who teach on this subject are often just as zealous, and they either begin to declare with dogmatic certainty that it’s God’s will for you to “Kiss Dating Goodbye,” or they step out on shaky ground and provide some cautious “practical wisdom” (that, in reality, they themselves are not quite sure about). The reason for this is that the Bible does not say a whole lot about ‘dating.’ In fact, it doesn’t say anything about what is typically called ‘dating’–the idea of hanging out exclusively with someone of the opposite sex, just “having fun” for an indefinite period of time with no real intentions for the future. Nor does it give a systematic program for “courting” (an idea that has gained almost canonical status in some evangelical circles). This is why many youth leaders are either dogmatic or sheepish about the subject: they really don’t know what they’re talking about! Believe me–I’ve been one of them.

What I’ve found through the years is that we just have to accept the fact that the Bible is not a textbook for dating. Instead, the Bible views this sort of thing within the broader rubric of relationships, and it certainly has a lot to say about relationships of all sorts. In fact, the Bible is a relational book written by a relational God to relational people who were created in His image. As I often tell students, theology matters. And the reason relationships and even marriages are oftentimes such train wrecks, even in the church, is because we put the proverbial cart before the horse-we want to jump into something sacred before we think God’s thoughts after Him and develop deep convictions which help guide us. It’s no mystery why we do this; it is because relationships are bound up with feelings, and it is so easy to let our feelings direct us rather than our minds. And typically, we’re young when we start to be interested in this sort of thing, and therefore we are what the book of Proverbs calls “simple” or “naive.” What we’re in need of in this condition is wisdom.

Now, I never seek to talk down to young people, but I do know from experience that I did not know what I now know when I was fifteen (it’s okay if you need to read that sentence again). Being simple or naive is not a bad thing unless you are unwilling to listen to wisdom (the Bible calls that person is a fool). But the wise man was not born wise; he became wise by listening to the instruction given to him. Now, as we approach the subject of wisdom, we must remember that it is knowing how to rightly apply knowledge. So we must not think that we can simply fill our heads up with knowledge. We must get knowledge but then we must apply it to life. But let’s back up even further. The knowledge that one needs in order to apply wisdom is rooted in right theology. What we believe about God and what God requires of us is the knowledge we need in order to have godly wisdom. What people tend to do is to start with what they believe to be wisdom they have gained from the masses of voices who are all too eager to speak into their lives. This advice may or may not be sound, but it’s usually a hodgepodge of biblical wisdom and something they heard from Dr. Phil, and that is a cocktail fit for disaster! So what I would like us to do is wade into this vast subject of relationships by looking first at the theology behind it before we go and start laying down principles of wisdom derived out of so-called sanctified common sense. And to begin, I want us to take a closer look at our relational God.

Genesis 1:27 tells us that God made man in His own image, and so what I have grown to realize is that if we want to know more about ourselves–especially our relationships–we should not start with ourselves, but with God. The more we learn about God, the more we learn about ourselves. Obviously I’m not saying that we are gods, but I am saying what the Bible says – that we are made in God’s image, and so it makes sense to try to understand what God is like if we are to know what we are like. In doing so, we learn that there are ways in which we are indeed like God, and there are also many ways in which we are not like Him. We need to keep in mind that whenever we see likenesses between ourselves and God they are just that–likenesses. We are not God, and we will never possess the qualities that make us like Him to the degree that He does.

With that in mind, let’s begin at the beginning, in Genesis 1:1: “In the beginning God…” It is interesting to note that the Bible doesn’t have a dust cover with an “About the Author” section on the back flap. It doesn’t tell us where He came from or give us His credentials for being God–it just states matter-of-factly, God… What we know about God is revealed to us throughout the pages of Scripture, and it is not typically given in textbook style; we typically get to know about God by reading about how He has acted in the past. This is what we see in Genesis 1:1. Before there was time, before there was anything else, God was, and He created all things out of nothing. Well, we don’t find much likeness to God in this description–we are not self-existent beings who have the power to create things out of nothing! We are part of His creation. But, when we fast-forward to the creation of man we see that we are made in His image, and it is here that we begin to learn more about God. The first thing we learn about God in regard to relationship is that God’s creation of man in his own image reflects his relational nature. The pronoun that God uses in v. 26 – “Let Us make man in Our image” (emphasis added) tells us much about His nature. Deuteronomy 6:4 states clearly that God is one, and yet right here, in the first chapter of the Bible, we learn that there is more than one Person within the one God. This is the first reference to what Scripture reveals more fully in its progressive revelation as the Trinity–that God is three in one. The Old Testament eludes to this truth throughout, although not explicitly. Take Psalm 45:6–7 for example: “Your throne, O God, is forever and ever; a scepter of uprightness is the scepter of Your kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, Your God, has anointed You with the oil of joy above Your fellows.” Here there are two individuals who are being called God, and the writer of Hebrews tells us that these two who are called God are the Father and the Son (Heb. 1:8). In Isaiah 48:16, we see three individuals speaking: “Come near to Me, listen to this: from the first I have not spoken in secret, from the time it took place, I was there. And now the Lord God has sent Me, and His Spirit.” Here we have “Me,” which seems in this passage to be the Messiah; we have the “Lord God,” which is obviously the Father; and we have the “Spirit.” In the NT, we see this truth very explicitly. At the baptism of Jesus, for instance, we see Jesus coming up out of the water, the Holy Spirit descending like a dove, and a voice (obviously the Father’s voice) from heaven (Matt. 3:13-17). We see it very clearly in the baptismal formula of the Great Commission (Matt. 28:19): “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” Each of these three individuals is said to be God; each is to receive worship, and yet God is one.

Now, this is how it usually goes when we talk about the Trinity. It is such a heady subject that we typically do a systematic Bible survey and wind up analyzing the Triune God as if He were some sort of scientific experiment! Don;t misunderstand me. I’m not saying it’s not necessary to diligently search the Scriptures systematically, not at all. But we can’t stop there. Once we’ve reached the conclusion concerning what the Bible teaches about a certain subject, we have to look deeply at what the implications of it are. I fear that the Trinity is something we sort of set on the back burner. We affirm it and we dare not disbelieve it, but it’s just so mind-boggling that we don’t think about it much. But this is who God is, and this is the God whom we worship, and this is the God in whose image and likeness we were created! We learn a lot about ourselves from the Trinity, and perhaps the most important thing we learn is that the reason we are relational beings is because God, by His very nature is relational! You see, if we study Scripture closely, we get to peek in on the inner working of the Trinity, and here in Genesis 1:26, we see the three Persons of the Triune God conversing about the creation of man! There are many snapshots of this relationship throughout the Gospel of John. In John 14, Jesus said that He was going away, but that He would send “another Helper,” – the Holy Spirit to His disciples. You remember Jesus’ high priestly prayer in John 17, where He is speaking directly to the Father. In that prayer we see not only a sharing of glory between the Father and the son, but a sharing of love.

You see, God is relational by His very nature; He is three Persons in one God, three relational Persons who communicate and share in perfect harmony and love. And further, we learn that within this perfect relationship of unity there is a distinction of roles. Throughout the Gospel of John it is clear that although Jesus and the Father are one, Jesus submits to the Father and seeks to bring glory to Him. Jesus constantly made it a point to state that He was speaking only the words and doing only the works which the Father had given Him. He said in John 8:29, “…I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” He said in v. 26 of the same chapter, “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.” He said in  John 15:26, “When the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, that is the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify about Me.” In all of this, as we see in v. 14, the Spirit’s role is not to glorify Himself, but to glorify Christ. Now, in 1 Corinthians 11:3 Paul notes the theological truth that “Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” “Head” is speaking of authority; this passage is teaching that the role distinctions between men and women are rooted in the roles of the Persons of the Trinity. In fact, as the revelation of Scripture progresses we see that the dynamics all of our relationships are rooted in the nature of God. All of this understanding is huge for us because we see that God is a Personal God because He relates to Himself within His Triunity.

A second thing we learn about God in regard to relationship, which follows from the fact that His creation of man in His own image expresses His relational nature is the fact that God’s creation of man was not necessary for His fulfillment. Basically, what we’re saying here is that God does not need us because He has perfect fellowship with Himself. In other words, creating man did not make God a relational being; His very nature is relational, and He had perfect relationship within His Triunity. This is why we, who are His image-bearers are relational persons as well, and this is one of the reasons why He made us male and female, in order to be a true image of Him: a unity of diversity, equal in essence yet differing in roles and existing in relationship with one another. This part of God’s nature is called His aseity by theologians, which is from a Latin root means “from oneself.” This is the doctrine of God’s self-existence. But His Triune nature reveals that He is also a personal God. This is one of the primary differences between the god of Islam, “Allah” and the one, true God. Allah is not presented as a Triune God, but merely one god, and therefore He is not the one, true, personal, relational God of the Bible.

Hopefully this brief survey has helped you to see that when we understand God better, we understand ourselves better. We are relational beings because we are made in the image of the relational God. This is the first and foremost bedrock piece of theology we need in order to properly understand relationships. In the next post we’ll endeavor to build upon that foundation…

We were all saddened to hear this past week about the Cam High student killed outside his home by a hit-and-run driver, and yet another young man who was stabbed to death outside a Taco Bell on Flynn road. Two tragic deaths of two teenage boys within days in the same community is heartbreaking, not only for the families of these boys, but for the friends, teammates, teachers, faculties, and countless others whom these young lives touched. Whenever we hear of tragic events like this, it causes us to ask the ultimate questions of life.

As sad and paralyzing as these events may be, those of us who know Christ must remember that we have answers. We may not have all the answers; we may not be able to explain specifically why a particular tragic event occurred, but we have ultimate answers nonetheless. We know that tragedy and death are a result of the Fall and the general curse of sin upon mankind and upon the world (Gen 3). We know that God is always good, and even when life does not make sense, He is still in control of all things and permits things to happen for His sovereign purposes, and that He has promised that He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom 8:28). But beyond these ultimate truths, we know the good news that, despite the curse of sin, God has made a way for sinners to be reconciled to Himself and to one day enjoy a new heaven and new earth in which there will be no more death, no more mourning, no more crying, and where we can enjoy unbroken fellowship with God forevermore (Rev 21:1-7).

Despite all they know, oftentimes Christians feel like they are not equipped to help in times of tragedy. “That’s for the experts – pastors and counselors, but not me – what do I have to offer!” they say. But if you know Christ, you are more than equipped to be a source of help and comfort when those around you face tragedy – and sometimes you are the only person who is in a position that can really make a difference. Sometimes God puts those who feel the least adequate to help in a position which forces them to step out on faith and be bold for the sake of the kingdom (see Esther 4:13-14; Proverbs 17:17). Whether you’re in that position now or not,  at some point in your life you more than likely will be. So let me encourage you with a few points on how to help others who are grieving.

1. Be quiet! Oftentimes we start speaking because we don’t know what else to do, and even though the things we’re saying may be true and may be helpful at a later time, people who are dealing with the initial shock of tragedy don’t need someone to ram the sovereignty of God down their throats! What they need is a shoulder to lean on. You may remember that Job’s friends did a good job of this initially. Having heard of Job’s troubling circumstances, his three friends came “to sympathize with him and comfort him” (Job 2:11). They wept with him and then “they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great” (v. 13). We can take a lesson from these guys at this point. They simply were there for their friend for a time, sharing in his pain (cf. Rom 15). The primary way to do this is to try to put yourself in the person’s shoes. You may realize that in a particular circumstance, that will not be hard for you to do because you’ve experienced something very similar. We must be careful to remember that no matter how identical our experiences, we can never completely understand the experience and feelings of another person, but God in His wisdom will oftentimes orchestrate circumstances to give His people the opportunity “to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor 1:4)

2. Listen. There came a point after a week of quiet grief that Job began to speak, and what he said was pretty depressing. Even as a strong believer, out of the midst of his despair his words were not gleaming with the theological realities he knew to be true at the core of his being (although some of these came out later). Job was venting his frustration and agony, and that is common for people who are facing tragedy. Job’s friends did well listening for a short time, but it was not too long before they opened their mouths. They probably would have done well to listen for a while longer before jumping in. We need to learn how to be good listeners, giving people time to get their feelings out and trying to identify how we can specifically encourage them and perhaps even gently correct their thinking when the time is right.

3. Pray. After you’ve been quiet and wept and listened for a while, you’ll earn the right to be heard by the one who is
grieving. And at this point, it is right for you to speak (see Proverbs 25:11). However, the first words out of your mouth ought not to be directed to the person, but to God. Prayer is not only an act of dependence upon God, it is an act of love when it is offered on behalf of someone else. Prayer will draw the other person’s attention to God and your words of faith and dependence upon Him will be the most comforting sort you could initially speak.

4. Speak. After prayer, it is appropriate to speak directly to the person. However, what you say is very critical. You want to make sure that your words are gracious, compassionate, encouraging, and truthful. This is where Job’s friends went all wrong. Rather than offering words of comfort, they increased Job’s sorrow by hurling accusations at him. Not only did this reveal their real lack of compassion, but their wrong theology. They, like most people of that time, believed that God brought tragedy upon individuals as punishment for their own personal sin, and so they set out on a quest to get Job to come clean about some hidden sin that must have been the cause of his calamity. Job’s friends were not only wrong about Job (see Job 1), but their theology was wrong in general. When we speak, we must be careful about how we say things, and we must make sure that what we say is true. It is right to gently correct a person’s understanding of their circumstances in order to lead them to the truth that will provide hope, but it is never right to beat broken people over the head with sharp words, especially words that carry flawed theology! The driving content of what you say needs to be hope, because hope is what a person facing tragedy needs. Certainly the gospel is the ultimate news of hope, and in a tactful way, it is always wise to share the good news of Jesus Christ to a person who is has been stricken by tragedy.

4. Ask questions. Just as we struggle to keep our mouths shut initially when we arrive on the scene of tragedy, we have trouble containing ourselves when we begin to speak at the appropriate time. Typically broken people are not very responsive, even to the most profound truths, and so we may have the tendency to rattle on in an extended monologue, looking for a response. A better tactic that will help draw out the person’s feelings is to ask good, open-ended questions and then give him time to answer (Proverbs 20:5). Again, be a good listener and follow up on their answers with more specific questions. This dialogue is healthy for them, and it will keep you from becoming a further source of pain rather than a source of comfort!

5. Commit for the long haul. Sometimes people feel like they’ve listened all they can and said all they know and thus they have nothing left to do or say or offer. If you’ve reached this point, you’ve probably overstayed your welcome. You need to be sensitive to how much a person afflicted by tragedy can handle at the moment. You want to be helpful, not overbearing. But even if you feel like you’ve given all you’ve got already, you must realize that much of what you’ve said will not be remembered. It takes time for a person to begin to process the initial shock brought on by tragedy, and it will be a long road of ups and downs on the way to healing. You must recognize this and be willing to be there for the person as much as is appropriate for the long haul. You will have much more weeping, listening, praying, speaking, and questions to ask along the way. In fact, you will likely find yourself asking many of the same questions and saying many of the same things many times over again. But throughout the process of healing, God may be pleased to use you and your many interactions along the way to bring the person to salvation and/or to draw him closer to Himself…and you can rest assured that He will be at work in you for His good purposes as well.

We will continue to pray for those touched by the recent tragedies here in Camarillo, and that God will providentially be at work in these circumstances for His good purposes, using His own people to accomplish His will in the hearts and lives of men and women, boys and girls for His glory and for our good. If you find yourself in a position to be used by the Lord, may you find comfort in the fact that not one of us is adequate in and of himself, but through God and His word, we are “adequate, equipped for every good work” (2 Tim 3:17).

Last time we noted David Wells’s astute observation that in our day and age, “if we’re not self directed we’ll be tumbled along by our culture…” Growing up in the desert I saw a lot of tumbleweeds, so I get a familiar visual when Wells uses the term “tumble.” In the same way tumbleweeds are blown whichever way the wind carries them, we 21st century American Christians are led about from one distraction to another…unless we’re “self-directed,” which a nice way of saying “self-disciplined.” In other words, if you don’t discipline yourself, you’re at the mercy of life’s distractions, and therefore the chances that you’ll have a consistent quiet time (or even one at all) are pretty slim.

Wells is on to something here that is biblical. In fact, it’s exactly what Paul told young Timothy: “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (NASB). That word “discipline” or “train” (ESV) is where we get our English word gymnasium. It was a term used of athletes and it meant to run or train unhindered. Just as sports are popular in our day, the Greek games were a hit in Paul’s, and so he used athletic terminology to illustrate aspects of the Christian life. Several times he spoke of the Christian life as a race, and here he tells Timothy (and us by implication) that if we’re going to grow in Christ-likeness, it is going to take some spiritual sweat! We all understand how hard professional athletes work. They train relentlessly to be the best they can be, and this obviously takes discipline. They have rigorous routines which demand focus and sacrifice. This is the picture Paul is painting for us when it comes to the Christian life. He’s saying, “give it all you’ve got in order to be more like Christ!” If we were honest, the fact of the matter is that we typically give it our leftovers – after the distractions of life have drained us dry.

So what is the first step in having a consistent and productive quiet time? Get disciplined! Yes, it’s really that simple. Set a time. Set a place. And then discipline yourself to make it happen. Of course, there’s more to it than that. But it’s the place to start.

An obvious obstacle to a consistent and productive quiet time is the distracting nature of our culture. But a big part of the wind of distraction that blows us about and keeps us from being self directed is our feelings. I don’t know how many times young people have asked me what to do if they don’t feel like having quiet time. I get it. It’s that false sense of piety in each of us that makes us feel like hypocrites if we were to spend time with the Lord “when our hearts are not in it.” But something I’ve learned through the years is that this is the same sort of excuse I use when I don’t want to work out. I’ve avoided a lot of push ups  with the words, “I don’t feel like it.” So, in reality, when we say we don’t feel like doing devotions, we’re really just making an excuse and then justifying that excuse with our false piety.

The fact of the matter is that feelings come and go, they wax and wane. They’re as inconsistent as my golf swing. They’re influenced by how much sleep you’ve had, how much coffee you’ve consumed, whether or not there were too many mushrooms on your pizza, and so in and so forth. And let’s be honest – we may be born again, but we’re still battling sin that is more often than not so subtle that we’re deceived by our own selves. So even though there is certainly not an exact parallel between the two, my advice for students who don’t feel like having a quiet time is the same as my advice for myself when I don’t feel like getting off the couch to get some exercise: forget about your feelings and just do it (thank you Nike for that one)!

With all that said, God has designed us to be creatures of habit. It takes about 2 seconds to make a bad habit; it takes much longer to form a good one (about 21 days, according to some authorities). And if you’ve ever stuck with something long enough, you know that once you get over the hump you actually begin to enjoy the habit you’ve formed (like me when I started to realize that I would not die when I ran farther than around the block). The more I stick with my quiet time, the more I crave that time…it’s funny how that works.

Now, with that said, I don’t want to give false hope that this will be the case every single quiet time after number 21. Sometimes you won’t feel like having time with the Lord still. And sometimes you will do it and you won’t feel anything. Instead of giving up or doing it and then feeling like a hypocrite because you didn’t get all stoked, just keep doing it. Why? In his power-packed little book, Humility, C.J. Mahaney states that he  does not always feel jazzed when he finishes his quiet time, but he notes that “the very act of opening my Bible to read and turning my heart and my mind to prayer makes a statement that I need God.” This declaration of dependence is what we need beyond all else. So dispense with the feelings and get to it!