We were all saddened to hear this past week about the Cam High student killed outside his home by a hit-and-run driver, and yet another young man who was stabbed to death outside a Taco Bell on Flynn road. Two tragic deaths of two teenage boys within days in the same community is heartbreaking, not only for the families of these boys, but for the friends, teammates, teachers, faculties, and countless others whom these young lives touched. Whenever we hear of tragic events like this, it causes us to ask the ultimate questions of life.

As sad and paralyzing as these events may be, those of us who know Christ must remember that we have answers. We may not have all the answers; we may not be able to explain specifically why a particular tragic event occurred, but we have ultimate answers nonetheless. We know that tragedy and death are a result of the Fall and the general curse of sin upon mankind and upon the world (Gen 3). We know that God is always good, and even when life does not make sense, He is still in control of all things and permits things to happen for His sovereign purposes, and that He has promised that He “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom 8:28). But beyond these ultimate truths, we know the good news that, despite the curse of sin, God has made a way for sinners to be reconciled to Himself and to one day enjoy a new heaven and new earth in which there will be no more death, no more mourning, no more crying, and where we can enjoy unbroken fellowship with God forevermore (Rev 21:1-7).

Despite all they know, oftentimes Christians feel like they are not equipped to help in times of tragedy. “That’s for the experts – pastors and counselors, but not me – what do I have to offer!” they say. But if you know Christ, you are more than equipped to be a source of help and comfort when those around you face tragedy – and sometimes you are the only person who is in a position that can really make a difference. Sometimes God puts those who feel the least adequate to help in a position which forces them to step out on faith and be bold for the sake of the kingdom (see Esther 4:13-14; Proverbs 17:17). Whether you’re in that position now or not,  at some point in your life you more than likely will be. So let me encourage you with a few points on how to help others who are grieving.

1. Be quiet! Oftentimes we start speaking because we don’t know what else to do, and even though the things we’re saying may be true and may be helpful at a later time, people who are dealing with the initial shock of tragedy don’t need someone to ram the sovereignty of God down their throats! What they need is a shoulder to lean on. You may remember that Job’s friends did a good job of this initially. Having heard of Job’s troubling circumstances, his three friends came “to sympathize with him and comfort him” (Job 2:11). They wept with him and then “they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great” (v. 13). We can take a lesson from these guys at this point. They simply were there for their friend for a time, sharing in his pain (cf. Rom 15). The primary way to do this is to try to put yourself in the person’s shoes. You may realize that in a particular circumstance, that will not be hard for you to do because you’ve experienced something very similar. We must be careful to remember that no matter how identical our experiences, we can never completely understand the experience and feelings of another person, but God in His wisdom will oftentimes orchestrate circumstances to give His people the opportunity “to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor 1:4)

2. Listen. There came a point after a week of quiet grief that Job began to speak, and what he said was pretty depressing. Even as a strong believer, out of the midst of his despair his words were not gleaming with the theological realities he knew to be true at the core of his being (although some of these came out later). Job was venting his frustration and agony, and that is common for people who are facing tragedy. Job’s friends did well listening for a short time, but it was not too long before they opened their mouths. They probably would have done well to listen for a while longer before jumping in. We need to learn how to be good listeners, giving people time to get their feelings out and trying to identify how we can specifically encourage them and perhaps even gently correct their thinking when the time is right.

3. Pray. After you’ve been quiet and wept and listened for a while, you’ll earn the right to be heard by the one who is
grieving. And at this point, it is right for you to speak (see Proverbs 25:11). However, the first words out of your mouth ought not to be directed to the person, but to God. Prayer is not only an act of dependence upon God, it is an act of love when it is offered on behalf of someone else. Prayer will draw the other person’s attention to God and your words of faith and dependence upon Him will be the most comforting sort you could initially speak.

4. Speak. After prayer, it is appropriate to speak directly to the person. However, what you say is very critical. You want to make sure that your words are gracious, compassionate, encouraging, and truthful. This is where Job’s friends went all wrong. Rather than offering words of comfort, they increased Job’s sorrow by hurling accusations at him. Not only did this reveal their real lack of compassion, but their wrong theology. They, like most people of that time, believed that God brought tragedy upon individuals as punishment for their own personal sin, and so they set out on a quest to get Job to come clean about some hidden sin that must have been the cause of his calamity. Job’s friends were not only wrong about Job (see Job 1), but their theology was wrong in general. When we speak, we must be careful about how we say things, and we must make sure that what we say is true. It is right to gently correct a person’s understanding of their circumstances in order to lead them to the truth that will provide hope, but it is never right to beat broken people over the head with sharp words, especially words that carry flawed theology! The driving content of what you say needs to be hope, because hope is what a person facing tragedy needs. Certainly the gospel is the ultimate news of hope, and in a tactful way, it is always wise to share the good news of Jesus Christ to a person who is has been stricken by tragedy.

4. Ask questions. Just as we struggle to keep our mouths shut initially when we arrive on the scene of tragedy, we have trouble containing ourselves when we begin to speak at the appropriate time. Typically broken people are not very responsive, even to the most profound truths, and so we may have the tendency to rattle on in an extended monologue, looking for a response. A better tactic that will help draw out the person’s feelings is to ask good, open-ended questions and then give him time to answer (Proverbs 20:5). Again, be a good listener and follow up on their answers with more specific questions. This dialogue is healthy for them, and it will keep you from becoming a further source of pain rather than a source of comfort!

5. Commit for the long haul. Sometimes people feel like they’ve listened all they can and said all they know and thus they have nothing left to do or say or offer. If you’ve reached this point, you’ve probably overstayed your welcome. You need to be sensitive to how much a person afflicted by tragedy can handle at the moment. You want to be helpful, not overbearing. But even if you feel like you’ve given all you’ve got already, you must realize that much of what you’ve said will not be remembered. It takes time for a person to begin to process the initial shock brought on by tragedy, and it will be a long road of ups and downs on the way to healing. You must recognize this and be willing to be there for the person as much as is appropriate for the long haul. You will have much more weeping, listening, praying, speaking, and questions to ask along the way. In fact, you will likely find yourself asking many of the same questions and saying many of the same things many times over again. But throughout the process of healing, God may be pleased to use you and your many interactions along the way to bring the person to salvation and/or to draw him closer to Himself…and you can rest assured that He will be at work in you for His good purposes as well.

We will continue to pray for those touched by the recent tragedies here in Camarillo, and that God will providentially be at work in these circumstances for His good purposes, using His own people to accomplish His will in the hearts and lives of men and women, boys and girls for His glory and for our good. If you find yourself in a position to be used by the Lord, may you find comfort in the fact that not one of us is adequate in and of himself, but through God and His word, we are “adequate, equipped for every good work” (2 Tim 3:17).